Everytime I close my eyes.....

....the horrific events that traumatised me came flooding back. Not even a second of peace was I allowed. I had to be doing something all the time, I couldn't shut my mind off for a second because if I do, the entire scenario starts replaying itself all over.

Suddenly I wished I wasn't such a sensitive or imaginative person, or that someone would just put me to sleep for good.

I was dead tired last night, but I couldn't lay still for a second on my bed. I spent 5 hours rolling, turning and twisting about in cold sweat on my bed. Couldn't take it any longer, I decided to tire myself out completely. I wanted my entire body to collaspe and my mind to shut off by itself. I did a crazy thing at near 5am. I took like 4 to 5 panadols and went down to jog. I just ran and ran and ran like some machine until I almost dropped dead. Its a stupid and worthless thing to do, but what could I have done? Dragged myself home and I didn't even managed to get into my room. I just dropped myself on the sofa and 'passed out'.

Woke up this morning with a really heavy head and aches all over my body. I started thinking of the traumatizing shit again. I felt like going crazy at that point. I felt like screaming out.

Thinking ahead, I'm really afraid. How to sleep tonight? Is the same thing going to happen again? Am I supposed to go jogging till I drop in order to fall asleep?

I felt like going out for some fresh air or something, but I couldn't even think of who to ask. I hate it when people say 'NO' to me. I don't like rejection. I doubt anyone care anyway, every man for his own. This is how the cruel world works....

Instead of asking why or what happen, why couldn't people sometimes say something more comforting? Ur feeling like fuck and yet everyone is like asking what happen. Isn't it horrible to repeat the same thing to everyone? fuck.......

Naked truths is 1 year old!



I seem to be lacking something. But I haven't got a clue what it is.

I feel rather empty inside. In fact I felt rather empty for the whole day. Could it be due to the fact that I'm spending Friday at home? Maybe. Maybe not.

In any case, I just feel that something seem missing. I'm incomplete. If I have a million in my hands now, I'd still feel the same.

I feel like a headless chicken wandering aimlessly around without a sense of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do. Weekends seem to be the perfect antidote to distress. But I'm even sure if weekends gonna exist afterall. What a futile feeling.....

Argh enough of the unpleasant things!

Finally I realized.....my blog is 1 year old! Official 1st anniversary! How time flies, I've successfully came through my first year. Now for the bigger things that lies ahead! Happy birthday my dear blog!!

Listless Life

Why do sick people feel so lonely? I guess I have the answer - they can't do things they want. Staying at home for 5 days a week without counting the hospital check up is extremely boring and miserable. Take into account the things I can't do and eat and it all sums up to a pathetic plight.

How I miss school. How I miss working. Having things to do, having people to talk to. I've been trying hard to do things at home. Cleared my desk, sorted all my old notes, exam papers, and other shits into files and even cleared my entire laptop of unwanted programs and files. Still, I ran out of stuffs to do sooner than I thought.

Reading is an alternative but my eyes do get tired after afew hours. How much I longed for friday to come. At least weekends I'd be able to go out for a party or something.

Doctor said my operation would be on the 3rd of October if the bone develops well. But after which I would have to rest for 2-3 weeks. This is extremely bad news, the thought of spending more time behind 4 walls is depressing!

Ill

Average Saturday, black Sunday and now blue Monday. Have been struggling with the flu, phlegm and rocky sore throat for days and this morning apparently it got worse as fever came calling as well. Add all these to my pinky finger and I feel I'm dying.

Guess its time to pay the doctor a visit soon but I even have trouble dragging myself to the toilet to wash up this morning let alone going all the way to the doc's! Guess I'd take some old medicine and see how it goes.

I feel better typing in front of my computer. Is it wierd? I don't know but anyway this is how my weekend went.

Went to catch 'The Intimate' at cineleisure with Mindy on Saturday evening. It was an R21 show about an unusual romance. Nice show I would say because there's an ending, plot and proper storyline. And to top it off its a romantic show, just the kind I love except that there's the added bonus of love making scenes :p



Best part of the show was when the guy said to the girl: "You know who saved snow white? It wasn't the prince. It was sex! The prince saw snow white lying there and got horny. So he fucked her up and down, shaking her all over. That is how the poison apple came out of snow white's throat and got her saved!!!" Majestic piece of crap but nevertheless creative!

Went down to MOS with Zhiwei thereafter and met up with Rebecca and Jane there. Man those 2 were like robotic dancers, dancing the night away so I decided to break 1 rule by taking in alcohol in the form of my favourite Chivas green tea! Had fruit punch in a club for the first time in my life as well. Bumped into many old friends at the club as well and I realized that there are more and more thai transsexuals and prositutes as well as tourists in MOS nowadays.

Was supposed to play soccer on sunday morning. Woke up at 7am but Kelvin said the match was called off as the field was water-logged thanks to heavy rain. Couldn't help but fall back to sleep and it was only when I woke up at 11 that I realized the match was ON again. 11 miss calls and 2 sms-es make me feel real bad but at the same thank wonder what would have happened if I had played. Could my fever and flu be worse?

Sunday didn't end well. Liverpool lost 1-0 to that fucking Chelski thanks to a fucking blind referee by the name of Mike Riley. Not the first time this fucktard cost my beloved reds to lose to chelski. The same thing happened in 2005 when he failed to give a fucking obvious penalty just like last night. Nevermind the flu or throat I got so pissed I screamed and cursed at the TV set so vigorously my Mom told me to shut the fuck up. =/ I swear I wouldn't hestitate to shoot that bastard if I had a gun.

Like any liverpool defeat, I'm not gonna buy the papers or read soccer news for 2-3 days. So upset!

Officially Graduated!



I intended to stay up and wait for the release of my results last night as usual, just like the past 6 semesters. But this time round I didn't felt as tense as compared previously but I didn't managed to stay awake anyway. I dozed off in front of the TV watching the boring soccer game.

But how could I possibly lost track of the fact that I'm supposed to check my result the moment I opened my eyes in the morning is beyond my own understanding! I woke up like 8.20am and only realized that I've yet to check my results at only 11.15am like that! Scrambled and logged into the system feeling nervous but nevertheless I had a very good feeling and it all turned out as my feeling and instincts told me - that I would do well. Scored my 2nd highest grade in my entire 3 1/2 years with a B+ and really although I was hoping for an A, I'm satisfied with a B+.

Finally my 3 1/2 years of preservance have ended. Another milestone in a long education history spanning over 16 years have ended. I certainly came a long way and I couldn't help but feel so please with everything. Its like lying on a breezy mountain top watching clouds go by without a sense of worry in this world!

I know at least one other fella by the name of Raymond is equally overjoyed as well. That fella's been dying to leave np for quite sometime like me lol!

I'm at the crossroads now, but I've already made up my mind about furthering my studies overseas should everything allows it. I really wanna study something that I've got a strong interest in like physchology or sports. But for now I'm looking to heal my pinky finger and enjoy as much as I deserved to after 16 1/2 years studying!

When it can't be done, do it. If you don't do it, it doesn't exists.

I feel so handicapped!

Went for my follow-up at the hospital this morning. Everything's fine except there's alot of blood and should everything goes smoothly I'd be having my 2nd operation in 5 weeks time. Will be going back to the hospital every week though, how troublesome.

But the good thing is that I could at least get out of my house and avoid facing 4 walls and lots of boredroom like today where I couldn't resist going to town to eat, walk around, basically just to have a feel of a fresh enviroment. Have to thank Peijun for accompanying me the whole day and we do look like 2 fellas who have just got into an accident as both our hands were bandaged or plastered up. I finally got my hands on 2 books that I've been eyeing on for quite sometime as well. Never mind that it costs like 80 bucks because its gonna help to cure alot of boredroom at home.

I feel no better like a handicapped person, there are so many things I couldn't do or eat. The thought of having to live this way for another month or so is depressing. These are what I'm going to endure for at least 30 days :

-No smoking
-No alcohol
-No eggs
-No chicken meat
-No seafood
-No sports
-No breathing in of smoke
-Bath with one hand
-Can't carry heavy stuffs
-Can't type with both hands
-Can't work
-Pain and discomfort every night

I guess there should be more but I couldn't get any more out of my brains for now. Pathetic, what am I supposed to do for like 30 days!? Suddenly I feel so lonely.....


Doesn't seem any better =(


What I got for $80

Whatever doesn't kills makes me stronger

If Saturday was bad enough then Sunday was a gone case. Everything went well initially, I went for my usual Sunday soccer and was having lots of fun under the hot sun. A high ball then came. I jumped for it with another guy, trying to punch it away. The force of the ball was quite strong and together with the impact of a human head nearly and almost blown my tiny finger off. The next thing I knew, I was spawling on the floor screaming and crouching in unbearable pain. I feared for the worse because as the ball touches my finger, I had heard and felt a bone giving way - a cracking sound + feeling.

As I slowly opened up my palms, I was horrified to see my finger twisted awkwardly. Kelvin and Chinwai drove me to the nearesr hospital that is Alexandra hospital which ironically was my place of birth in 1983. I never knew that 23 years 3mths later I would be back to mend my finger back.


my hand when i just reached the hospital

We got to the A&E (accident & emergency) unit and I was horrified to find the place crowded. I was like..."what? do I have to queue up?!?". The receptionist asked me to register and I immediately made my feelings clear to her. "Look, this is an emergency, what if the waiting time causes my finger to deoriate beyond cure? Are u able to compensate me a finger?"

I could sense her displeasure but she reluctantly allowed me to go in straight for treatment with Kelvin helping wih my registration and other shits at the counter. I was brought to the ICU (intensive care unit) and told to lie down on the bed and WAIT while the doc comes to me. WTF?! Being in unbearable pain is 1 thing, waiting and risking my finger getting worse is another thing!

Eventually the doctor came and asked me all sorts of stupid questions like my name, age, occupation, how I hurt my hand and drug allergy etc. Then they gave me 3 jabs with 2 of them going to my butt. First time in my life I took an injection on my ass! Those were supposed to be painkillers but it seem useless and only makes my butt even painful! I was then sent in for an x-ray to determine my bone condition.


x-ray showing the fractured finger


painkillers making my finger bloated, man the jabs were horrible

It was a huge relief to hear the doctor say my result showed that I was very lucky not to have totally broken the joint. A slightly harder impact would have totally smashed my finger. But still the fracture was quite bad. He said he would inject another 2 doses of painkillers into my finger and then use the pulling method to try straightening my finger back into position.


okiee...for now

Everything seem fine after he wrapped it up and I was told to go for another x-ray to see if the joint has been straighten back. That is where all the nightmare began. First, I seem to have an unknown drug allergy that cases my eye area to swell up and the second x-ray showed that the bone is still twisted out of position. That means I would require an operation to insert metal bars into my finger as well as lots of jabs to cure and stop my allergy.

Took another 2 jabs before being sent to a ward. I was totally numb and weak by then. And yet when I reached my ward, a doctor came along and asked me all sorts of funny questions again. I got really pissed and shouted something like "can u not ask stupid questions Im fucking tired cant u see?" Everyone in the ward looked at my bed. I was too tired to care anyway and luckily the doctor just recorded down some shits and left. At this time, kelvin and chinwait had left as they had camp or something urgent.

Dad, Mum and my Bro came later on at night. I was told I would probably have an operation that night or early morning the next day. As they were unsure when the operation was to be held, I was not allowed to eat or drink anything! Fuck, I had only eaten a pathetic chicken pie in the morning and I was like starving horribly yet they refuse to even let me drink a slip of water!

I spent the night looking at friends and relatives of other patients visiting them. At that moment, I felt pathetic. I felt like a deserted piece of junk. I had wished she'd be here to see me even for a minute I'd be very happy but she didn't. I was disappointed but i guess she must have her reason. Quite alot of friends knew about my condition but most were like can't be bothered or something. I knew at that moment who I should visit in hospital and who I shouldn't. My heart was filled with harted and disappointment. Thanks to Kelvin, Joey, Carol and Kate especially, I felt better. Their words filled my heart with warmt. In fact, Kate was the only one who said would be coming down to visit me the next day despite having an exam the next day or something. I couldn't have felt more appreciated. And Kelvin too, for all the troubles i gave him. Im really thankful.


no food and drinks!!!!

After dad, mom and bro left, I slept like a log with an empty stomach until midnight when a nurse woke me up. She told me I'd be having the operation at that moment. Weak from hunger, I dragged myself onto the floor and changed into the operation vest, something like an apron. Man it was fucking cold alright, without even an underwear on. I shivered as the nurse guide me into the operation theatre. The moment I stepped in, I started shivering as the place was even colder than the ward. The had to put double blankets on me and place a heater beside my bed.

Again, the nurses and surgeons took turns to talk to me when in fact their motive was to calm me down. As they push me into the main operating room, I recalled my first 2 operations when I was like 10 or 11. I recalled struggling and screaming back then. I also recalled the incidents where Jamie Carragher and Dijibil Cisse broke their legs. I knew theirs was worse than mine and yet they fought through the pain barrier to be fit again. I has the motivation now.

2 More jabs and soon I blacked out under the operation table.


after the operation


been drinking this for the whole night

I woke up at 6am. It was like the operation never took place at all. But as I tried to move my left arm, I felt numb and couldn't lift my arm! I turned on the lights and saw my hand being wrapped up. I felt a deep pain in my upper chest. A nurse came along and explained that they had totally numb-ed the left part of my body to prevent me from feeling any pain during the operation and that it would require time before i finally regain my strength.

Breakfast tastes heavenly although in reality the food sucks. Hevenly probably because I haven eaten or drank anything for more than 19 hours. I swear the steak I ate during lunch was the longest one I ever took to finish up. I had to cut the bloody thick meat with only 1 hand! The nurses did ask if I wanted them to feed me but I decline their offer.


french toast for breakfast, steak for lunch

An x-ray and a theraphy session later, I was told I could be discharged but would have to be back on Thursday for another check up and theraphy session. I would also require another operation to remove the metal bars in my hand in 6 weeks' time.


during theraphy, cant really see the stitches but can see the metal bars sticking out...


my bed

I headed down to queensway shopping centre and bought a new pair of soccer boots for next Sunday's match. I was just glad I was given the green light to play but with a protective cast on my hands.



Football isn't about life and death, its much more important than that - Bill Shankly.

It felt so warm the moment I stepped back home but I had difficulty bathing with only 1 hand with the injured hand wrapped up in a plastic bag to avoid being in contact with water. Someone bath me please?


bathing with 1 hand?!

I learnt alot of lessons during my short stay at the hospital. The hospital can be such a lonely and cold place to be. I'm no longer terrified of needles having taken like 13 jabs there. I vow to come back stronger, I vow that I would come back more heartless. A big thanks to those who showered me with kindess and warmth encouraging words, you know who you are. Can't thank you guys enough.

My finger is still in pain, I'm still on painkillers and I can hardly move my arm but I'm grateful I din't have to cut off my finger or something like that! Touch wood!!

A Saturday to forget

Actually I have only myself to blame for getting my fingers burnt and turning a bad enough Saturday to one which I will wanna forget. 380 bucks gone just like that, more than 1/4 of my salary. Fuck!

Nothing seem to go right, stuck at home, down with flu and phlegm, liverpool lost to the blueshit and ended the day losing money on the fucking arsenal and bolton. Screw up day I wished I'm in a boxing ring right now I would floor anyone in front of me.

Aghh there goes the rantings. Tomorrow will be a better Sunday I hope. Stuck up day!

Mambo Night

These days I really feel out of place when I meet up with the usual gang, or should I say guys? Reason - they are skinheads I'm hairy! Hahaha I know they wished they had hair and funnily enough I wished I'm a skinhead.

Been a long time I went Zouk on a Wednesday mambo night and as usual the place was packed to the roof. Unfortunately only the girls were active whilst the guys were like jaded from all the NS shit. They were either standing there like statues or sitting there staring into the crowd. This prompts kylie into saying "its less fun since the guys went to ns, all like so inactive".

Couldn't wake up for work the next morning, took mc and ordered mac for lunch. Last night could have been alot better if someone's presence was there.


Guys


Girls


Heh heh heh this is my masterpiece of Chris as a ghost

Food for thought

Miss J - i wan guys with HIGH EQ and sibei good manners dat kind
Miss J - den i wan dose kinda guys
Miss J - can teach me alot of tings
Miss J - very intellectual one
Mr M - ......
Mr M - go and die better!
....
....
....
Miss J - u noe da one who woo me is dis kind one
Mr M - Hahaha
Miss J - high eq
Miss J - sibei good manners
Miss J - and tel me lotsa tings dat i dono
Mr M - can be just act only loh
Miss J - BUT
Miss J - he is fuckin sticky siaMiss J - ewww
....
....
....
Miss J - i seriously don lyk guys who ccb lj nnb!
Miss J - i don lyk dose nerd nerd one u noe
Miss J - spore guys are boring

Okiee miss J isn't some chick or friend, she's someone close to me but i'm not saying who is she!

Different women have different taste. But I wouldn't agree that S'pore men are boring or not well mannered. Think about it, foreign guys can be alot worse sometimes. Its more or less the same - there are bad and good ones, ugly and nice ones.

Having a guy with high EQ, intellectual, well-mannered, well-do and interesting usually runs the risk with the word unfaithful. I'm not saying guys in that category are all the same but majority of them are. Intellectual guys are the most dangerous sometimes because they can easily read a person like a book or see through a person's mind like a glass of plain water.

I agree that being well-mannered is extremely important - first impression counts afterall. But if the girl doesn't takes a fancy to you, no amount of well-mannerness will please her. Its like saying no amount of roses will melt a girl's heart if you're not even inside her heart. Worst to come, ur courtesy and well mannerness might be misunderstood as being irritating or pervertic.

What Miss J refer to are foreign guys whom I don't really know that well except that of course they're different from local men. What actually set foreign guys apart from local ones? Daring? Tall? Ascent? Looks? Or interesting character?

Actually there are endless reasons pending on how u see them, well different people view things differently. But local guys aren't that far behind either, just a pity that guys these days are being themed negatively by the opposite sex.

A female had a bad experience like being touched, being 2-timed, or being irritated by those "hi can we be friends" messages will more than likely end up seeing all the other guys the same way. Its like you know, you pick up 4 durians randomly and when u got home, you realized that one of them is rotten but does it necessary makes the other 3 rotten as well? You never know until you actually open them up and taste or have a look, do you?

Its the same as how some guys see local girls as having stuck up attitude and find foreign girls more friendly and easy going. I know of some girls who just have a few very nice pictures or happen to be some XYZ Model and start behaving like Paris Hilton. Well, they should take a look at themselves in the mirror for christ's sake.

Life is fragile



News spread through that the popular crocodile hunter Steve Irwin died today. Caught me by a little surprise initially.

"Crocodile hunter?"
"U mean the one on SCV animal show that blonde guy?"
"Yea"
"HUh?"

Looks like I'm going to miss some entertainment on TV. I'm not saying I'm a big fan or even a fan of him but I do watch some of his shows sometimes. Interesting shows I would say. Well it goes to show how fragile and unpredictable life can be. Who were to know that a crocodile hunter would be killed by a stingray of all creatures.

I was wondering why there were so many people on my msn list using a turtle icon in their nicks. Now I know why....and I wonder if there would be people using any icons when I die next time?

R.I.P Stve Irwin, the memory lives on.

Resentment

I have alot of harted in my heart generated during this weekend. So many different issues and stuffs. Unpleasant things that should only be known to myself. The bottom line is still humans are disgustingly selfish creatures.

Slay or be slayed.

The early bird catches the biggest worm.

Nobody gave a damn so why should I even bother?

Dead tired, slept only like a total of 5 hours for the past 2 days. I'm going to keep this post short, and anyway tomorrow will be a better day.


GB south east asia regional finals briefing hall, I finished a disappointing 9th out of 32.


The damn cold competition room.


Last night at mos during a police raid


Sunday soccer + free sun tan :)