Just some thoughts

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.
Barbara Hall

It seems that I'm not cut out to be an actor, the doctor refused to hand me a 2 day MC no matter how pitiful I acted. Damn have to make do with only 1 day...~!^&*^%&^!*&(! There goes my long 'weekend'.

The street soccer tournament on Saturday was a disaster on a personal note and I only have myself to blame for not being responsible enough. Going drinking and having only 1 hour of sleep before going to play in a competition is sucidal as I found out. And thanks to some monkeys who dunk me with 100-plus drinks after the game, my hair and body had never felt so istonic before.

Looking back on 24 long years, I realized what the difference was between those years and current. I can no longer do anything without thinking much. I can no longer be naive. Everything I do from now onwards I would have to think before doing. Quite a tough goal to acheive having grown up a rash and reckless person but since choice is something that doesn't exists in this situation, I will just have to try and do it. Life is so different now, everything has consequences and every move I make seem to be watched by a dozen of eyes. I guess this is all part and parcel of growing up. Life have suddenly turned really stressful, a resolved problem results in yet another one resurfacing. It seem that it will never end, at least from me. I yearn to escape from all these, to seek solace somewhere far away, or even in my dreams. Someone said not too long ago that it seem nowadays I'm never happy, always seem down and troubled. I disagree with the person initially but I'm starting to change my mind now. My life puzzle is lacking some missing pieces.


The lastest book I read, totally rocks my socks off!


Happened to saw this while clearing away stuffs on my com....1995 and 2007 what a big difference!


Been a long time I visit this temple to pray, I did just that on my birthday




Grace & Me


S'pore is getting more beautiful at night

A quarter of a century

I sat on the chair of my desk eating my baked beans with meat and a fried egg as the last of the milliseconds hit 1200 hours. It was my usual late night dinner for this month because of screwed up sleeping hours thanks to Euro 2008. Overwhelmed with tiredness and a lack of beauty sleep, I could and would have skipped dinner and slept on. But the child in me got excited, it wanted to stay awake and watch time tickle by to a quarter of a century of years from the day god decided I was due to arrive. Little things like this still excites me.

Wippy was the first to give me an sms right on the stroke of 12 even though the time on her watch reads 11pm (Thai time). As always, Raymond gave me another of his annual sms, the only time his words ever seem decent and makes sense. Jolene, unaware of anything, approach me for advise on selections of her only shopping stuff. Someone actually came to ask me which dress is nicer a few minutes into my birthday! And then there were the usual happy birthdays in advance, and afew others like Grace, Priscilla and Saltfish started msn-ing me. But the one which I desire most to hear from perhaps forgot about the date. Such things still matters to the child inside me. "It must be the watch, the 1 hour difference in time", I tried to comfort myself. And then she came online minutes ago where we chatted briefly about how she didn't enjoy the FHM party last evening before leaving to grab a bite. Said she will be back late. I felt a tad of disappointment overpowering my tender heart. Did Kate forgot all about my Birthday? I knew she didn't, she'd afterall sent me an sms in the afternoon jokingly mentioned about how prepared I was to turn 25 tomorrow. "It must be the hunger in her stomach", I tried unsuccessfully to comfort myself for the second time.

The settings more than often used to be the opposite of today. Loud music would blast the place and booze flowing like water from a hole in the broken pipe. I'm never one who would organize a crazy big party. This year, after deciding I won't be heading to Bangkok for my first birthday outside Singapore, I decided on quality time with someone I feel comfortable with, could talk anything under the sun and who knows me well, my reason being I just wanted something really simple yet comfortable and enjoyable. Grace immediately came to mind, and her response didn't disappoint me. I actually feel a little excited about dinner tomorrow even though we aren't strangers. I could feel the kind of excitement about meeting a date lingering through my mind. Am I out of my mind or am I getting too crazed up - feeling excited about dining with an ex-girlfriend?

As I type this entry, the ever bastard Dino gave me a double message on the phone and on the msn. He, together with Dan the manic had dunk me with water today. Thanks! But sometimes you just have to love this bastard - he's a real pain in the ass but some days he's a lovely friend.

I feel really old right now, and as much as my face defies it, it's a fact that I'm really old in terms of numbers now!

That's fuck-you money

Money was invented so we could know exactly how much we owe
Cullen Hightower

Money depresses me more than it makes me happy - I came to this conclusion today. I could strike the lottery tomorrow, become afew hundred thousand dollars wealthier and the satisfication would still be short lived. I'm not going to cheat myself and say I would be able to retire with a million dollars. There's a different between having money and having another kind of money - fuck-you money.

The ability to have or do something whenever you feel like it. That is my definition of fuck-you money. The key word is feel, it's not like I'm actually going to do/have it, it's the freedom to do/have it when I feel like doing it. Even if it's only for once a year - imagine having a top notched jazzuzi in my home that I use less than 2 times a year. Wasted? That's what fuck-you money gives you. Just to be able to have something available to you when you feel like having or doing it - I like the idea. Money is a big fuck when I'm not living in cyberspace, when I'm living in a dollar starving rat infested country where the niggard government pays out taxes credits only to take every single cent plus interest back from me.

It isn't everything but it is something, something that I want and need. I grew up with this "it isn't everything" mentality, hence there's little chance I'd ever let the dollars increase the size of my head, nor will it makes me walk down the streets with a "fuck-u I'm rich" aura. Call it greed or Satan's work but this god damnned fuck-you money is of significant importance to me. It isn't beyond reach, and it's not gonna come easy for sure, not like buying toto every weekend and hoping it strikes once. Life fucks us all, there's no better way of redemption than having the kind of money that could really fuck the shit out of life. God, I'm damned...

Problems

As only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night.
Dorothy Parker

The feeling of waking up every morning with a heavy load of problems on your back is really frustrating and bothersome. It's like a leech that just wouldn't get off your skin. I read somewhere before that people who think alot and think too much risk losing hair. That could be the case for me. Things haven't been going well recently, mainly due to the bill problem.

It started when The Cannery posted the May08 bill over to me on May 6 and I only received the fucking bill on June 9! That is one entire month and needless to say I missed the deadline and got charged with late payment which can't be waived. $20 dollars isn't excatly a big sum and it's not the issue that is leaving me fuming with rage but rather it is how SingPost handles the situation that really pushes my blood to the tip of the scale. Apparently the company has a really inconvenient form of payment methods that is by either cash or cheque. Naturally I choosed the latter and so I mailed them my cheque last Tuesday and till today they haven't received it. The worse thing is that the June deadline 20/06/08 is fast approaching! I haven't had such a problem in the past because back then I had a friend working there and I could deposit the money to her and she would clear the payment for me but she has since quitted and that marked the start of all sorts of problems from mailing the bill to the wrong address to late bills and now missing cheques!





Carol said I should have sent the cheque as a registered mail instead of a normal mail so they will place more responsibility on it. Maybe I should have done that but how would I, a person who uses mail or postage services as often as the government increasing everyone's income, know that there is such a thing as normal (26 cents) and registered ($2.30) postage mails? Maybe I was really dumb. Fine but all I know right now is I needed to resolve this fast. I didn't want it to drag on any longer. I had already perceive I would have a bad birthday next week so the last thing I wanted is having this problem unsolved. All will depends on what kind of answer SingPost gives me tomorrow. I couldn't resist it, so I made my feelings and intentions known very clearly in black and white to them in the evening.

I should have known too my day wasn't going to go or end well judging from what happened this morning. I went to 7-11 to get my cigarettes and papers, and as I didn't have enough cash, I gave the cashier my debit card. She looked at it like it was something alien to her before asking me confusingly: "What card is this". I told her it was a debit card and her next question almost left me banging the wall beside: "what is a debit card"? How in the world could a cashier in 7-11 not know what is a debit card? It is beyond knowledge really. As hard as she tried, she couldn't or rather she doesn't know how to operate the card machine and end up telling me this card is invalid! Invalid when I have been using it for purchases at other 7-11 stores before? Cool! Sensing that the queue behind me is getting longer and impatient, I didn't bothered arguging. "You want to pay in cash?" "Obviously I don't have enough cash if not why I wanna pay for a $11 purchase with a card right? It's ok please cancel the purchase".

Things didn't go very smoothly in office as well. As we are having an aduit from tomorrow, there was abit of chaos and due to a lack of knowledge of the need to classify all files into restricted, confidential, secret and so on, alot of files were left unclassified. And the task of opening these files 1 by 1 to check and classify them accordingly became my job. I cannot stand Dino sometimes, he likes to whine, stomp his feets and throw his temper around like a girl until his requests gets fufiled. And to think he went as far as saying I made him beg me to help him and that I was giving him excuses for delaying to help him. I only have 2 hands, he needed to understand that. I wouldn't have agreed to help if it was someone else for sure.

As bad as things stand right now, I know it will only get better. It's just a matter of time isn't it.

Fishy Day

God not only plays dice, he throws them in the corner where you can't see them.
Stephen William Hawking


The fishy smell on my fingers and palms stubbornly refuse to extinguish despite washing it with soap for the 3rd time in a row. I had cooked salmon kimchi ramen for lunch. It still seem surreal that I had actually cooked fish, something of a taboo for me. To find myself eating fish is like seeing people eating stuffs like fried bugs, grasshoppers or even raw squids, the first 2 which are considered one of the delicacy of Northern Thailand cusine. Ever since young, my stomach have rejected fish, especially fish skin and the fishy smell like a pretty woman terrifyingly rejecting a wasted man on the verge of throwing up trying to bear hug her.

Despite the constant irritations from my Mum in the form of naggings, I've always managed to stay clear of fish and fish skins. There will still be the odd days I eat fish though, perhaps I was having PMS and my mind wasn't in a stable state. Still, the fish I ate were always rid of fishy smell, like fish & chips, salmon sushi, or fried fish fillet. I've never eaten fish skin for as long as I can remember, that must be like 15 years ago when I was still in primary school. The end product of forcing fish skin down my throat is a massive reaction followed by puke. Even without actually touching fish skin, the sight of others indulging in it in a rather disgusting manner (to me), or the scent of it which in turn leads to my brains painting all kinds of scenarios is enough to make me throw up sometimes. It almost happened earlier this year at a wedding dinner when Dino started eating the fish head leftovers on the table, tearing everything eglible from the fish head to eat, including the eyes and all these while I was sitting beside him glancing as far away as I could. Didn't helped that the table was rather squeezy for 10 persons and needless to say I lost my appetite for the rest of the night.

What happened today was rather historic to me. It was the first time I ever cut and peel fish skin with my own fingers and a knife. In fact I didn't realized the whole load of salmon was attached to a large fish skin under it. It was those bought from the supermarket. I was horrified when I saw the fish skin but it was too late to backtrack. The ramen didn't taste very nice afterwards and I didn't finish it all either. I wouldn't think there will be a chance of the same thing happening ever again as well. The fishy smell on my fingers is making my stomach ill.

All these happened at a time when I shouldn't be at home but due to screwed up sleeping, fatigue creeps in and I decided to do a self declare off day for myself - mc. I have been sleeping at 8pm everyday, waking up at 11.30pm to catch the matches until 4.30am before sleeping another 2 hours to wake up at 6.30am again, repeating the same process everyday. It's such a welcome break for me, to be able to catch up on my precious sleep.

Just another entry

We make a living by what we get, we make a life with what we give.
Sir Winston Churchill

Yesterday marks the start of Euro 2008, a month long competition that takes place once every 4 years. Needless to say it gets hardcore soccer fans like me all pumped up with excitement. I can foresee lots of sleepless nights and sluggishness in the day as a result of the former. With 2 matches daily that ends at 4.45am until the quarter-finals, it's easy to see why. I opened an account with a major legal betting site to spice things up. Watching such major competition games are boring without having a wager or two. I'm a bad gambler as my horoscope have proved to perfection, which is why I never liked to gamble but this is just for fun even if it means risk inglosing afew hundred bucks. At least it's not something illegal like betting with those bookies.

I feel really old nowadays. I feel like I'm like a man trapped in a boy's body. Age does matters, I can't help thinking about my future. What will I be doing in 5 years time? 10 years? Will I still be living in Singapore? Will I be married? What job will I be doing? I would like to think everything will go according to what I plan but it isn't always possible. Suddenly I feel a deep sense of regret for wasting away 2 precious years in my life. I know I can't change things but I can't help thinking of that what ifs. Maybe it's fate. I'm borned to be slower than others. I've repeated this line many times; "I may be slower but I will still reach my destination eventually". Sometimes this sentence seem like a cushion to comfort my heart. I do know although I might reach my destination eventually, it could also be a case of too late. Too many times in life I have experienced it - the case of so near yet so far all because I was late.

Because of the 2 years I wasted in the past, I seem to owe alot of people an explanation. I always had to answer questions that starts like this: "How come at this age you are still.............."? I've grown used to answering them but sometimes it does gets to me. It will start playing on my mind that I've failed miserably in my life even though I know it's not the case. Being a Cancer, I can't help it. Cancerians loves to think alot and think too much.

I used to wallow in self pity, hoping the skies will open up and a ray of light will guide me out of the maze. Not anymore. In this cruel world, it's every man for himself. There seem to be no place for second best. I believe I can create my own fate and destiny if I work for it.

Boring thoughts (what's new?) aside, this has been a miserable week for me. The haircut went terribly wrong. It seem that I will need to bring along a photo of the hairstyle I want next time. Thankfully with the Euro coming up, I have little time to think about this disaster. 2 days ago, someone whom I barely knew found me in facebook. She knew my chinese name, remember my english name and birthday. Eventually I realize it was someone I had met in MOS 2 years ago. Apparently I had showed her my IC to prove my age. It was just a normal conversation but it's amazing someone who claims to be absent minded actually remembered my particulars so well and went to dig me out from facebook. Stranger things have happened!

Taken at Priscilla's 21st Birthday with Carol

Why is the pose so......

Haha saltfish!

Change is essential

The air aftermath of a rainfall never fails to freshen me up. It feels like I've just walked out of a dark tunnel into the sunshine. Sometimes when things starts to turn stale, a change is essential and necessary. After helping Carol to change her second blog template in 2 years, I felt I needed to do something to my own even though I'd just changed it not that long ago.

I don't really enjoy changing a blog template for myself, let alone do it for others. I've only done it for 2 person before. The first was considered a deal. I was paid to do it, and the only other honourable person is Carol. Being one of the better brotherly friends I have who never fails to lend me a helping hand sincerely when I needed, how could I refuse her afterall? I'm always nice to people who deserve it most.

In the case of my template, it seems that everytime I designed a new one I'd feel a sense of great satisfication blowing through me but after sometime it seem that satisfication have evaporated into thin air. Is this human nature?

From the very first template I did I always make a point to design it into something which relates to my character. I choosed a dark shade again because a bright and lighter shade of colors simply doesn't justify my character. I'm not the kind of out-going, cheerful and happy everyday kind of person. I decided I would do without the tagboard for the first time ever as well. When I started blogging it was meant to be a personal diary. It didn't really crossed my mind how many people reads my blog each day. But 3 years later it seem that readership matters to me. I had to deny it and I hate it even more to admit it but readership matters. Having a comments column there with zlich or nearly zlich comments all the time is really pathetic. So, off with the tagboard in the hope the comments traffic will be flooded like a stall selling freshly baked chocolate pies. Sometimes it's good to have dreams.

Someone sent me this sms from the land of smiles this morning :

"............Happy Sunday, do u know how much I miss u?......ummmmm juz count the rain drops outside.....that means how much i miss u.........see? There's no rain outside lol........"

But it was raining heavily outside my window at the point of receiving!

Makes my Sunday... =)