Saturday, December 10, 2005
I hate myself
My mind is in a blank, i don't know what to think of. I can only hear Chris's words repeating in my mind. I'm so numb all over, legs bruised from all the kicks i got from my opponents. Its not a simple bruise, its fucking swollen and makes me feel so numb.
The whole soccer tourement ended in dispair. On the bright side, this was the first time i kept my cool and temper in check during this tourement. I kept getting kicked but i refused to lose my temper, just get on with it. Just fucking put the ball in the net, i told myself. Disaster strikes as early in the first game, Jason got injured and he lost his head, nearly resulting in a free-for-all. We lost the opening game 1-0 when we could have drawn them. It was close, too close to call. In the second and final group game, we knew all we needed was a draw to progress into the next round as runner-ups as we had a superior goal difference. At 1-0 down, i was screaming my head off, trying to fire up everyone as i see alot of us lost confidence after we conceded a goal. Thankfully it worked, Irwan scored and we got the 1-1 draw which took us to the next round. During the game, it was obvious all the other teams hate us, we were being boo-ed, me especially as i was loud and flamboyant. Reasons unknown, possibilities alot - our bhb team name 'the special one', our outstanding nike kits, the way we celebrate a goal, and countless more.
Next round, only the top team in a 3 team group will proceed to the semi finals. We had a farily tough draw, had no subsitutes as Jason was injured and Irwan could barely walk. I myself was playing through pain, spraying lots of deep-heating stuff on my legs. As usual, we conceded a goal, 1-0 down. I managed to finish off the only chance that came my way and the score was 1-1. I thought we could hang on, this was a strong team and if we could hang on we would have a great chance to qualify. Alas, in a moment of rashness, seng kee conceded a free kick in a danger zone. I thought Zheng Hua had the angle well covered up but unfortunately he couldn't stop the free kick. 2-1 down and they started wasting time, taking their own sweet time to get the ball, kicking the ball out all the time but who could blame them? We would have done the same if we were leading. But it did not end there, i had a chance to pass to Chris, thats what they say but i choosed to turn and shoot, missing as a result and Chris was screaming at me, hopping mad and everyone was stunned. I really had no idea he was nearby as i was under pressure. I'm selfish and i need more than a pair of eyes i guess. Chris's words like "wah lao eh y open leh y u dun pump the ball to me i sure will score wtf u shoot for?!" haunts me till now. 1 down 1 to go, still a glimmer of hope against the supposely weakest team in our group. I have no idea why we always concede goals before fighting back, as early as 1 or 2 mins, there was a fucking goalmouth scramble and 4 of us couldn't stop a single guy from scoring. 1-0 down, but we kept fighting and Irwan equalised with a corner. I finally found my chance, and make it 2-1. Yes finally we're leading, i thought we would at least win this and see if we can qualify. But a silly mistake from ZhengHua cost us dearly, he allowed a shot to slipped under him. 2-2 and its game over. 2 draws 2 loses, 4 goals scored - 2 apiece from Irwan and me. Afterwards i dragged myself home, feeling miserable and numb. I let everyone down, i should have fucking used my eyes and see instead of being selfish and go for glory myself. So what if scored 2 goals, we still failed to qualify for the semi finals. I hate myself fuck it!
This will haunt me for quite sometime, i dare not face the lads, i guess all of them r hopping mad at me. I need a break, i wonder how i'm gonna cope with the major project this coming week. Sigh...
My mind is in a blank, i don't know what to think of. I can only hear Chris's words repeating in my mind. I'm so numb all over, legs bruised from all the kicks i got from my opponents. Its not a simple bruise, its fucking swollen and makes me feel so numb.
The whole soccer tourement ended in dispair. On the bright side, this was the first time i kept my cool and temper in check during this tourement. I kept getting kicked but i refused to lose my temper, just get on with it. Just fucking put the ball in the net, i told myself. Disaster strikes as early in the first game, Jason got injured and he lost his head, nearly resulting in a free-for-all. We lost the opening game 1-0 when we could have drawn them. It was close, too close to call. In the second and final group game, we knew all we needed was a draw to progress into the next round as runner-ups as we had a superior goal difference. At 1-0 down, i was screaming my head off, trying to fire up everyone as i see alot of us lost confidence after we conceded a goal. Thankfully it worked, Irwan scored and we got the 1-1 draw which took us to the next round. During the game, it was obvious all the other teams hate us, we were being boo-ed, me especially as i was loud and flamboyant. Reasons unknown, possibilities alot - our bhb team name 'the special one', our outstanding nike kits, the way we celebrate a goal, and countless more.
Next round, only the top team in a 3 team group will proceed to the semi finals. We had a farily tough draw, had no subsitutes as Jason was injured and Irwan could barely walk. I myself was playing through pain, spraying lots of deep-heating stuff on my legs. As usual, we conceded a goal, 1-0 down. I managed to finish off the only chance that came my way and the score was 1-1. I thought we could hang on, this was a strong team and if we could hang on we would have a great chance to qualify. Alas, in a moment of rashness, seng kee conceded a free kick in a danger zone. I thought Zheng Hua had the angle well covered up but unfortunately he couldn't stop the free kick. 2-1 down and they started wasting time, taking their own sweet time to get the ball, kicking the ball out all the time but who could blame them? We would have done the same if we were leading. But it did not end there, i had a chance to pass to Chris, thats what they say but i choosed to turn and shoot, missing as a result and Chris was screaming at me, hopping mad and everyone was stunned. I really had no idea he was nearby as i was under pressure. I'm selfish and i need more than a pair of eyes i guess. Chris's words like "wah lao eh y open leh y u dun pump the ball to me i sure will score wtf u shoot for?!" haunts me till now. 1 down 1 to go, still a glimmer of hope against the supposely weakest team in our group. I have no idea why we always concede goals before fighting back, as early as 1 or 2 mins, there was a fucking goalmouth scramble and 4 of us couldn't stop a single guy from scoring. 1-0 down, but we kept fighting and Irwan equalised with a corner. I finally found my chance, and make it 2-1. Yes finally we're leading, i thought we would at least win this and see if we can qualify. But a silly mistake from ZhengHua cost us dearly, he allowed a shot to slipped under him. 2-2 and its game over. 2 draws 2 loses, 4 goals scored - 2 apiece from Irwan and me. Afterwards i dragged myself home, feeling miserable and numb. I let everyone down, i should have fucking used my eyes and see instead of being selfish and go for glory myself. So what if scored 2 goals, we still failed to qualify for the semi finals. I hate myself fuck it!
This will haunt me for quite sometime, i dare not face the lads, i guess all of them r hopping mad at me. I need a break, i wonder how i'm gonna cope with the major project this coming week. Sigh...
posted by mango at 4:29 PM
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