That sinking feeling

I will upload the pictures of the prom night in my next entry, I'm just too tired to do anything now. I realized i took a pathetic amount of pictures that night as well as compared to usual where i would take something like over 200 or 300 pictures on such an occasion.

Everything went downhill the after i borrowed my blazer at orchard. It was 5.25, i had about 30 minutes to get my ass down to batok to fetch her. I fucking hate breaking a promise, i fucking it hate it! So when i look at my watch and it was 5.40 and i was still stucked in the traffic jam, i started to panic. I was helpless too i realized, i can't probably abandon the car there and take a train there. I started weaving in and out, squeezing into every empty space that i could find on the road. No avail, but the worse was next to come.

In a state of desperation to get there, i took an alternative road. Trust me to be too clever when i'm such a newbie with roads. I ended up at god knows where.....owen road?....kallang street? geylang lorong? Left with little choice, i asked if she could take a cab down and meet me at the hotel lobby instead. She did but in one sms she asked if she could stay at home instead because its raining? I think its a joke but at that point of time, in my anxious and desperate self, i din't see it as one, i immediately replied saying i'd go and get her and i started speeding around finding an expressway. Got onto AYE heading towards west finally but she's already on the cab.

We agree to meet at the hotel enterance finally. I sped as fast as i could, never mind that the traffic was fucking heavy at times. But what i din't realized was that when i exited from AYE and made a U-Turn, the CTE tunnel at merchant road was like HELL. The traffic slow to a snail's movement. Worst still i was stuck behind 2 bloody big trucks. SMS of all sorts were flying in fast that i had to drive with my legs and type with my hands. It was 7 by then and she'd already reached and all my friends are waiting for me too. Desperation incur deeper into me.

Finally i got out of the fucking CTE shit but now i couldn't find the little 'wulu' road leading to swiss hotel. I drove around in circles like a mad man, horning to vehicles nearby to ask for help. Everyone kept giving me different instructions, so different that i got fed up and decided to park in funan mall and took a cab there. The fucking carpark was full so when i saw a little empty space in one corner i just rush in and park without realizing it was an illegal parking slot. Got a warning letter for that...damn!

Taxi stand was filled with afew people, there wasn't a single taxi in sight and i had to pled and explain my siutation to the amused strangers who were kind enough to let me jump the queue to take the next cab that came. They were really nice and one of them even told me to relax and wish me good luck.

When i board the cab i realized how near i was to the hotel, it was just a tiny side road which i fail to spot. I'm dumb, really.

I saw her sitting on the bench in front of the hotel enterance waiting for me. I felt so relieved to have finally reached but deep inside i felt stupid and upset. I managed to mutter out the word 'sorry', she replied with a smile - a fake one i suspect. Afterall i am such an idiot to make a girl come down all the way in the rain and wait like an hour for me. I was really at a loss of words because no words could explain my fault. I felt like banging into the wall and die straight away at that moment. Even though she was beside me i felt she was like 1 million miles away from me.

Met up with the rest and while in the toilet trying to freshen up, i realized i wasn't looking good. Everyone was trying to look their elegant and gentlemanly best that night but i think i look like shite. I din't concentrate on the prom at all, i put up a fake front. While everyone was busy socializing around and taking pictures especially, i was in a mono-tune mode. I just stare at the stage like what everyone else was doing but my mind wasn't on the things that were going on at the stage, i was thinking of everything that happened in the last 2-3 hours. Miserable.

It din't help that i look around the table and everyone was like smiling and talking to each other and yet she was like more interested in what's going on at the stage. I felt inferior to everyone suddenly, but i know it was also my fault that she's still angry with me. Many times i had the urge to ask her out of the hall to have a walk or chat but everytime i did i suffer a loss of words. Its like i know what excatly i was going to talk about or say but when i wanted to say it i couldn't or seem to forget what i wanted to say.

The prom ended just like that, and afterwards at the reception where everyone were chatting and taking pictures, we were standing there watching. I really wanted to ask her "hey lets snap as many as we can and choose the best when i upload the pictures?" But again i din't know why i din't ask. Maybe i feel she's still mad at me or maybe seeing she look listless and bored the whole night.

We drove down to MOS afterwards, things got slightly better there at the dancefloor. I let loose abit and enjoyed for awhile. Yes awhile....thats all. She looked really bored the whole night. I held her hand for the first time as well, it was cold and her fingers were tiny i could feel it. I wished the whole place was packed so i won't have to let go.

We were the first to left at around 2.35am and while walking up the carpark i could see she was tired and had trouble walking up the slope so i offered to held her hand and walk with her. Maybe its reluctance or shyness but initially she held my hand in a wierd way but we eventually corrected it. At that moment i wanted to tell her: "i hope i could hold onto your hands and walk up this slope till grow old". But somehow i ended up saying a fucking stupid line: " eh u know how to hold hands or not one?" -_-

All of a sudden, it was pouring cats and dogs and really the downpour was so heavy that i could hardly see anything in my windscreen. Finally we reached her place downstairs. I got a big paperbag in my booth and shelter her to the lift lobby. As usual, she was fast to bid me good bye but this time round i held her and planted a kiss onto her cheeks. We bid each other goodbye and she told me to drive carefully and msg her when i got home cause its raining like hell and i haven fully recovered from my sickness.

I got into the car all denched, never mind that it was cold like hell. The next song the radio played when was 'kiss-because i'm a woman'. Sad song on a sad day...is this a bad omen? I sped off, i din't wanted to go home, i just sped as fast as i could, into the night, into the rain, into the unknown.

I'm disappointed in myself even if she said she enjoyed my company and all those, i know she was bored. I know i made her feel so. I don't have such a problem before why is all these happening now?!

Finally got home in the morning, got changed and head to school straight. I realized i forgot to bring the MC i had for tuesday's absence with me...haix so screwed up! I was tired like hell that after signing in i doze off in the library. She texted me afew times but i din't reply to her message, i wasn't ignoring her but i felt i really ruined her night last night.

I feel so down and out............