My name is Floyd....

...And i'm virtually an impossible person to understand. I'm always stuck in dilemmas where i needed to choose to go with my heart or my head. I've learnt that going with my heart often results in heartaches. So over the years i learnt to go with my head. It fared slightly better but i'm not always happy. Its like buying a sofa. Your heart tells u sofa A is nice and u love it but your head tells u sofa B is better in quality and more worth it. U choosed sofa A and u'd get disappointment if it breaks down but if u choose sofa B u'll not be fully happy because that's not what u want.

I'm a person borned with and dependent on my moods many times. My moods are like a rainbow, full of colors and ever changing. Nobody, not even myself will be able to tell what my next mood is going to be. That makes me an incredible sulk to certain people, that is why people often misunderstood me as wierd. I'm not wierd, i'm not a sulk as well, its just that people don't understand my mood and myself well enough to judge me. For example, i could be laughing jovially one moment and getting jovially and upset for no reason the next. This often explains why my facial expressions changes so often and leave people scratching their heads as to what they had done.

A person dependent on his mood is also someone with alot of feelings. This makes a person sensitive, passionate, emotional and temperamental. Being sensitive means there's lots of imaginations going through my mind every moment and that i'm very observant to little changes or people's feelings. This probably explains why i used to excel in english essays back then in school. Give me a siutation and i could probably imagine a dozen possibilities. On the other hand, i'm very sensitive to others, both physically and emotionally. Little things like different ear rings, nail colors or perfume will catch my attention. I always seem to take into consideration others' need and be able to feel what is needed.

Now to the more pratical people, they will tell u this feel thing is all nonsense and ridiculous but to those less pratical ones, they will say its true.

I'm a passionate person. I don't call it sex. I call it love making. I don't support a team because it everyone does or just because its successful. I support a team because i love everything about them. Everything i do i love to do it with passion, even writing. Even when i'm down in the dumps or faced with failure i'd like to think it is still possible if i believe it. I'm more of a positive than confident person.

Being emotional is simply being me. People can say being a guy one shouldn't be so emotional but guys are humans afterall and it doesnt means being emotional means i'm not a real guy. Its just part of my characteristics. An emotional me is a hard one to handle. One must be able to match and understand what i'm going through and sometimes this is simply impossible to explain in words. For example i can watch such a sad movie and get all emotional and expect my girl to soak herself in this pool of emotions with me, telling me how much she love me and all the sweet things. Or even a warm, long and tight hug. The sight of a warm happy family going out on an outing can also trigger the emotional demons within me.

"How loving.....i wished i can be like the guy. I wish i can have such a happy family as well...haix.."

People who knows me will know i'm a hot head. The way i speak and my body languages also sometimes gives people the wrong idea that i'm HOT and about to burst any time! This results in people telling me to "relax"!

DAMN!!

Now this is the real reason why i get really angry! Its not funny when ur so calm and people keep asking u to relax! Its just the way i speak and my body actions. Maybe i'm too serious at times but obviously these people haven seen me when i'm real angry yet.

Its not a sight to behold nor a siutation to enjoy. When i snap i simply snap. Then again it depends on my mood. If im in a bad mood then well its a dormant volcano right down there. Otherwise i'd simply control my anger inside. Over the years i've learnt to control my temper much more and with success as well.

A man without a temper isn't a man, they say. And i fully agree with this. I'm can be really crabby, unreasonable and almost impossible to please when i'm having my 'PMS'. Hey not only girls have them alright although we don't have a bloody mess to be contend with, we do experience such a thing as PMS once or twice a month. Personally i like to hear sweet words, praises and feel assured and pampered when i'm having PMS. It just makes me feel better like i'm important or right in place.

I'm a person who loves to feel important. Most importantly i love to feel important and unique to my own girlfriend. Which guy or girl doesn't anyway? Lets talk about friends first though. I'm a person who values my friendships alot, i'm one who will be there when my friends needed me to and i'm one who finds no a hard word to say to my friends. But i've learnt over the years u can't say yes too often either. People will simply take u for granted.

I like to feel important amongst my friends. I don't appreciate it at all when friends do everything and decide everything without me or tell me about an outing they planned at the evelventh (last) hour. I'm not saying everything has to go through me either, because i'm not a boss or a king. But it does helps when they consider my feelings and opinions as well. I'm an easy going and simple person but it doesn't means i'd just agree and take anything that comes my way. I've my own ideas and opinions which i expected to be respected as well. I hate feeling left out in a conversation as well, its simply a turn off especially when friends talk as if i'm totally invisible and yet have the cheek to ask where i'm going or why am i going off so soon when i stood up and say: "i'm leaving....".

Its of extreme importance to me to feel not only love but importantce as well when i'm in a relationship. I expect to feel that i'm the special one in her life, that i'm unique to her. All these things are determined through the things that she does and the words that she says. But then this is also a heart felt feeling, meaning if your heart feels so then it is. There is no why.

I'm a romantic person, i wouldn't say the most but i would say one of the most. Of course everyone have their own version of romantic. Some consider star grazing as romantic whilist others consider eating ice cream together at home on a rainy day romantic. Everyone have their own form of romance but i feel i'm a borned and breed romantist. Its unusual to many for a guy to love romantice shows. But i love them, i'd feel i'm the leading actor in the movie afterwards. I love doing sweet things for my girl, be it little or big but only to someone i truly love. There was once i never said any sweet words or did any sweet things for my ex gf. It was so unlike of me but that was because i din't loved her at all when i realized it eventually. It was like, not love.

In love and relationship, i'm both a taker and a receiver. I don't wanna lie and say i am someone who believe in giving my all and asking for no return. I do expect returns, i do expect appreciation for things i do. I don't expect the sky, just some sincere returns from the heart. Its the thoughts that counts.

I'm a bit crazy and nuts when i'm in love truly madly and deeply. I will go to great heights and do everything i could. Nothing will seem to matter more to me than my partner. But i'm like a rose sometimes. I needed to be pampered as much as i love to pamper my partner.

I don't know why i love to pamper my girlfriend so much, i guess its because seeing her happy brightens up my day as well.

I'm protective, overly protective sometimes. I don't fancy being made jealous times and times again, i don't fancy feeling insecure all the time. Someone said insecurity is like ever-dying. One gone and a new one will resurface. I don't know whether to believe in that or not but i'm a firm believer that love conquers all, everything else is secondary.

I'm rash at times, because i often listen to my heart first and ended up having to use my head to think of what 'might have been'. I'm a risk taker as well. I used to be overly generous, but over the years i've learnt to spend my money properly.

Am i person who knows my limits? Definitely.

Memories are something that i thrive alot on. Whether they are good or bad, lame or funny, nothing beats recalling them when i'm bored. But i don't live on my past. My motto in life have always been : "the brush is in your hands, u decide how u want to paint your tomorrow".

All of us have choices in life i believe. Its up to us whether we want to do it. Life is no difference, u can decide what u want to do with it. U can dwell on something and its not because the something is addicting or what its because u yourself choosed to dwell on it! Take my TP for example, at times i choosed to dwell on it, feeling miserable whenever i see cars on the road. But i have since told myself its enough, and thats me. After a failure i'd dwell on it, make myself miserable, filling my head with all the negative thoughts but after awhile i'd be up on my feets again.

Life is a battlefield, u either kill or be killed. Love is like a game u either play or be played.

I'm feeling emotional now, i can't sleep. I miss Joreen tonnes. I hate it when we end a conversation with a 'bye' or a 'night'. I'm not satisfied, it tells me she's unhappy or something like that. I wish maybe we could've said something more to each other. I hate it when she says 'suits u' as well. Its like me telling her......whatever u wish la ok?

There is no doubt i love her alot, my commitment is fully there not a single bit less. Somehow i still feel i din't make her feel that happy. I can't sleep tonight because i'm dwelling on this and because i've slept for over 10 hours. Why doesn't she talks to me more? Why is there always empty silence during our conversations? How can i make her happier? Am i not good enough? Am i a burden to her?

I wanted to talk to her so much that i din't even tell her i was running in between my room and living room trying to catch the match between chelsea and liverpool while talking to her. Liverpool won, and every guy who knows me will tell u i'd be crazy and gone insane over this result. It was no normal liverpool match. Its liverpool vs chelsea FA cup semi final! Somehow after the final whistle where liverpool won 2-1, i din't felt very happy as all. As usual irwan and raymond are the first to start getting excited on msn but i was feeling rather sluggish. My mind wasn't on the match. In the past, i will say liverpool is my everything, liverpool is in my blood. I still love them so much today, but someone has overtook them as the rightful number 1 in my heart.

That wss the reason why i dint went crazy jumping up and down, teasing all those chelsea and man u fans and so on. Because right in my mind i was feeling down. As i said earlier, when the person i love is happy it brightens up my day. So its the opposite now. How could i feel happy when i feel she's not that happy yet? I don't like to feel useless but can i help it now?

I feel half empty, i feel lonely when she's not around. I know she can't be around all the time but neither can i juz say i don't wanna feel this way and instantly don't feel this way?

There are so many times i wished Joreen could share everything she's feeling or thinking about with me. That i could be someone that she could just say virtually anything, anytime, anywhere to, without having to think for a second. I wish she doesn't have to keep the silence, especially when its so clear that something is not right and she says "nothing". It can really drive me nuts and crazy trying to figure out everything and exmaining all the possibilities. I can really go crazy!!

Am i as important to u as u are to me?
Am i as unique to u in your eyes as u are to me?
Am i on your mind all the time just like how much i'm thinking of u everytime?

There are so many things i wished to know. There are so many question marks in my head. I feel insecure because of these question marks. At times i feel very much afraid to fall in love all over once again. My last 2 relationships wasn't even considered love at all. I knew it will take someone very special to recapitulate the faith i had in love all over again. Ive met the person, i don't wanna lose her, but yet i feel so miserable and useless...

Im not trying to gain anyone's sympathy, i don't need u people coming to tell me to cheer up or anything. No i don't need that, i just want to let everything out.