Everytime I close my eyes.....

....the horrific events that traumatised me came flooding back. Not even a second of peace was I allowed. I had to be doing something all the time, I couldn't shut my mind off for a second because if I do, the entire scenario starts replaying itself all over.

Suddenly I wished I wasn't such a sensitive or imaginative person, or that someone would just put me to sleep for good.

I was dead tired last night, but I couldn't lay still for a second on my bed. I spent 5 hours rolling, turning and twisting about in cold sweat on my bed. Couldn't take it any longer, I decided to tire myself out completely. I wanted my entire body to collaspe and my mind to shut off by itself. I did a crazy thing at near 5am. I took like 4 to 5 panadols and went down to jog. I just ran and ran and ran like some machine until I almost dropped dead. Its a stupid and worthless thing to do, but what could I have done? Dragged myself home and I didn't even managed to get into my room. I just dropped myself on the sofa and 'passed out'.

Woke up this morning with a really heavy head and aches all over my body. I started thinking of the traumatizing shit again. I felt like going crazy at that point. I felt like screaming out.

Thinking ahead, I'm really afraid. How to sleep tonight? Is the same thing going to happen again? Am I supposed to go jogging till I drop in order to fall asleep?

I felt like going out for some fresh air or something, but I couldn't even think of who to ask. I hate it when people say 'NO' to me. I don't like rejection. I doubt anyone care anyway, every man for his own. This is how the cruel world works....

Instead of asking why or what happen, why couldn't people sometimes say something more comforting? Ur feeling like fuck and yet everyone is like asking what happen. Isn't it horrible to repeat the same thing to everyone? fuck.......