New Office Rules

To all office employees:

With effect from January 2007 this are your new office rules.

Dress Code

• It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and/or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

Sick Leave
We will no longer accept any doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Holidays
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are known as Saturdays and Sundays.

Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers, even if it is crying. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. Should there be rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work during your lunch hour so you can leave 1 hour early.

Toilet Usage

• Entirely there is too much time being spent in the toilet. There is now a 3 minute time limit in the cubicles.
• At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open and your picture will be taken instantly.
• After your 2nd offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chornic Offenders" category.
• Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes because that's all the time needed to drink "slim-fast".
• Obese people get 0 minutes for lunch so that those people belonging to the above 3 categories can bennefit.

We thank you for your loyalty to our company

Remember, we are an employer of chooice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and inputs should be directed nowhere.

Best Regards
Management

This is a computer generated letter. No signature is required.