Love is blinded for a reason



I don't really like writing such a private part of my life but I'm afraid as I age on, the images may erase off by itself from my mind. Images of the ones who could have been, images of those so near yet so far. I've never had a shortage of suitors but I've always had a problem making my choice. Before I gave up on relationships and girls for the foreseeable future, girls were always like taxis. When I want to hire a cab, there is none in sight or all busy/on-call but when I don't need one, they come in dozens. That has always been the story of my love life. There are afew worth mentioning, these are the ones which left me with alot of "what ifs" and "what could have been".

I caught her attention at 1st sight, and sought my classmates to obtain my contacts. I didn't have any special kind of feelings, it was mutal and she was like a younger sister to me. That didn't stop her from liking me for over a year, we kept in contact and went out sometimes. Then one day I begin to develop feelings for her and we ended up in a relationship. It lasted a month or 2, I got her pregnant. I was a jerk, I didn't believe it was mine and I had the nerve to question her about it. I had my reasons for doing that nevertheless. She ended up aborting it. Afew years later, seeing her again made me wonder what could have been, I could have been married with a kid now. Everytime I see her I felt a sense of guilt even though we are still friends now.

We met each other online, chatted quite regulary and went out once. Honey lemon reminds me of her. I once spent an entire night reading through her entire old blog entries of words, nothing but words and more words just to get to know her better. I liked her, I believe she does too. Somehow, there's a problem with me which I feel would make me inferior to her. I couldn't let her know what was the problem. Hence I began to be cold towards her. It took her a long time to believe in love again, I was the reason yet I was the one who destroyed her hope. She was defnitely my type, everything I wanted in a girl. But I let it slipped off my grip just because I lacked confidence.

She was the most memorable thing about O'levels. We studied online together, chatted every night back then in the old IRC. We've already met before and there was this chemical attraction between us. We both knew we liked each other and even planned to get together after the exams. For all I know, another option opened up. I still don't understand to this day why did I choose that option over her. It was the day after the e-Maths paper, she found out. She was very upset, her last words to me were: "I never want to see u again, why must u do this to me". The wounds may have healed, we may still keep in touch but once again I threw away another beautiful gift that god presented to me.

I dont know if she likes me, she's always been the type who kept alot to herself. Many times I wanted to tell her about my feelings, but each time I lack the courage to do so. I was afraid of rejection, being in an awkward position. My intiution told me that there was certainly something she felt about me but I choose not to believe in it. Hence we went out as often and normal but one day, she got attached. A part of me seem to have died that day I don't know why. 2 years later, we contact back again. We chatted about the old times and realized that during that period of time, she indeed like me alot and just like me, she didn't dare to reveal her feelings to me afraid that I didn't like her. That conversation was so emotional.

There are others, but these are the 4 most memorable ones and of course retreiving those memories left a smile on my face. I choose to see the beautiful memories u see. Life is a choice and I choose for it to be beautiful.