Drowning in my thoughts



There are days when I really feel like blogging but have no clear idea of what to write. Eventually, after some consideration, I'd call the whole idea off. That probably explains why sometimes my posts seem to be lacking. Today seem to be such a day, but I had to write something. There's no specific reason why, I just feel like writing - random thoughts.

When I look my current life sometimes, I often feel something is lacking. I'm not a person who lie through the skin, I don't like cheating myself. Indeeded there's a thing or 2 missing from my life currently. For starters, I've got a boring life style, I wake up at 6.15am every morning, drag myself up, switch on the laptop, surf the net and by 7.15 I'd have been ready to go to work. I get back home by 6pm most of the time and by 10.30pm I'm often sound asleep. I don't think anyone would take my word for it that I indeed lived such a routine lifestyle. Well when u are serving the damn nation, being able to sleep at home is already a bonus, so it's not like I'm complaining.

Then we come to the social cirle part where I have a large circle of friends or more likely, acquaintances. I have a few good friends whom I can truly call friends and even though I hardly show it, I do cherish them. I was never a person who reveal my feelings openly, even my parents knew that. It's already a miracle that I've been writing this blog rather openly for quite sometimes. I'm really happy with my circle of friends and how things are going on. I know who are the ones I can depend on and who are the ones who ought to be kept.

I don't have a problem with financials, I don't think there was a time I had any form of crisis financially either. I don't mind having a boring lifestyle either, afterall in this place called Singapore, there isn't much to be excited about. Work is fine as well, I've got the best boss I could have asked for, some really nice colleagues, most whom I look upon as uncles and aunties and in fact I feel heaven have been kind to me in this aspect - I always end up around people who are nice, from school to now.

I do have some deep fears. I'm not revealing what they are, everyone has their own privacy and secrets afterall. Those really few privileged ones would know what those fears are. These fews do affect me day in and out but I've always try to be positive and so they don't pose much of a problem.

So what is it that I'm lacking? Being a person who is clear about what I want, I've already knew love was what I've been lacking all along. Ever since I broke up with Joreen, things concerning the heart have never been the same again. It's been over a year since I felt the warmth of love. On some Saturdays, I yearn having someone to hang out with for a sweet time out there. But there isn't anyone.

I don't like to feel sorry for myself, I never do. My policy have always been to only get hitched with the right person and it is right to say it's very difficult to get into my heart. In this period of over a year since Joreen, I met 3 persons whom I thought was perfect for me but thats only secondary, the primary thing is most of the time I'm not perfect for them - I feel so.

Maybe it is because of the fact that as a person, I'm neither funny or entertaining. I can be full of crap sometimes but that's just about it - sometimes. I was never a person who could be the life of the party. And so whenever I had an opportunity to go out with someone I really like, I'm just either too boring or too silly. I find myself saying "yes, no, oh, hmm..." more often than I would like to.

You know, when u are flirting with someone it's easy, u don't have to think twice about saying anything. But when u are talking to the girl of your dreams, it's another thing altogether. No matter how I try, I just can't seem to find those sweet words or flirty things to say. I will always sound practical and boring. I never dared to try anything bold andn many times I got held back by my fears and all the what ifs. After reading the cheese story though, I asked myself. What would u do if u weren't afraid? And so I did things I wouldnt have dared to. Simple things like asking a person out. Yes to ask a girl out is very easy, no problems almost all the time. But to ask the girl of your dreams out is a really big task. I succeeded though but I think it's probably I'm not her type and so I got a rejection indirectly.

I'm a sensitive person, I'm afraid and shy when I'm truly after a girl and I would never dared to go full throttle in my pursuit of happiness. And this is where I lose out most of the time. I lost the first one because I didn't go for it, I was held back by fears and what ifs. I lost out on the second one probably because I wasn't her type. And the third? I'm still contemplating my case.

The most miserable thing in love is going after someone whom u know u will turn u down. But yet u tell yourself. If u don't try, u never know, and maybe each rejection will do u some good. This is life. The ones whom I'm their type, isn't my type. And the very few and rare ones who are my type, I'm not theirs.

I enjoy travelling around but to be honest I would enjoy it more if I was going with someone special. This is probably what is lacking most now in my life.

The other thing I'm lacking is courage. I seem to lack courage to do the simplest things. I could do things nobody thought I would but yet the simplest things I just didn't have the courage to go for it. I don't want to mention what these things are but they certainly have nothing to do with relationships.

Life is abit stale now, I can't wait to get onto the plane for Bangkok next week. It would be a much needed change of enviroment and definitely a good way to recharge myself. Get on with it.