His Melancholy

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving.
Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love. To be happy is then to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness.
I hope you're getting this down.
Woody Allen, Love and Death

The rays of the sun shone through the gaping of my partly opened window like a glide of laser beam down on my face. I opened my eyes to a brand new day - Saturday; but nothing had changed. Immediately I felt the demons of a fornight circling my fragile brain like a pack of hungry werewolves circling a vulnerable boy in the forest. I closed my eyes, hoping it was a dream. It wasn't. Then I felt the call of nature, relief myself in the toilet, came back and close the window shut and got back into bed. I lay motionless, sleeping without really sleeping until the anxiety in my mind became too unbearable.

Instinctively like a good old habit that never dies, I drag myself up, turn on my laptop and head to the kitchen to pop in my daily dosage of Lingzhi pill with a glass of water. As the system boots up, I lit a cigarette and her words came flooding down all over me like an unexpected downpour. I looked at the time; 11am, did a self check on my stomach; not really hungry, that means approximately an hour more to lunch. Logging into msn, checking my phone, I couldn't find the courage to see if she's online or even think I would get a message from her on my phone. Then it beeps, I shot up like a bolt; 'click click' - it was Sean, telling me about the change in location for tomorrow's soccer game. The disappointment of the message sender was soon comforted by the fact the reminder that there's a game on tomorrow. Soccer have always been like a faithful old friend to me, never fail to find me when I needed to get away from my demons.

It was nevertheless, a temporaily resolution as the moment I put away my phone I was reminded of the predicament I was in. There question marks in my mind were getting unbearable; "am I a very difficult person to understand?", "why doesn't she feels it?", "what did I do wrong?", "is this karma?".....on and on, a never ending stream of questions perhaps as long as the Yangzhe river. I needed answers, I needed to know.

"hey, u okie or not, what's wrong", Carol always pop up at the right moment like a good old buddy she already is. The thing I like about Carol is she always talks sense although at times I couldn't stand her forthright honesty.

Me: issit very hard to understand or know more about me as a person? how u find it?
C: i dun say i really understand u, but more or less i know what kinda of person u are.
Me: tat means its hard uh
C: its not hard or easy to know someone
C: its more like whether u wanna spend more effort in knowing that someone
C: then again u cannot expect ppl to know someone inside out
C: married couples only get to know their partner only after marriage after years of courtship
Me: what about ppl who wants to know a person completely very well before entering even a rs
C: sometimes they just thought and assume this person's character out
C: as in, thinking this person is like that assume this person will react like this
C: a person before r/s and a person after r/s is very different
Me: i think i reveal very little of myself, which is true in a way
Me: i don't trust people easily, i will only slowly open up
C: ya took me 3 years, took me 3 years for u to open up to me, haha

I got the answer partly although it came from a buddy. Then my mind switched...

"i used to think that can happened also, but now i think i knew already "
"so far i knew i feel i saw, yes i dont think we can happen"
"juz my feeling, that u make me felt ..... "
"what issit about me or what i do, that make u feel we ainn't possible?"
"i dont know how to answer this question"

Humans are complex, and flawed. People who ask over-specific questions of those they love often end up getting hurt. Her words will remain a consignee that live with me for as long as we aren't together. I thought about myself, was it because I often told her that I was a box of secrets? I don't like to lie through my teeth, indeed that is the way I am. People often don't think twice about being judgemental towards me, and actually I don't mind it. Because they aren't important, she is. I can't change the way I was borned and had live for 25 years within 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days. I keep to myself, it is my way of protecting myself. But it doesn't necessarily meant that the cat wouldn't be let out of the bag. It would and it's dependent on the circumstances and the person, or more accurately, my relationship with the person. The few people who truly knows the kind of person I am will paint a whole different picture to the countless who don't or don't really know. It's not that I love being secretive or anything like that, it just takes time to see the real me, the more I feel right about a person, the more that person will see of me.

It's been almost 2 years to the day Iko & I broke up. I don't consider that love, because it just wasn't. My last love came in the form of Joreen, more than 2 years ago. The manner in which the relationship was ended after the amount of efforts I put in and the predicament I ended up made me distant myself from love and relationships to the point where I don't feel a thing for it anymore. The carefree life I led as a single guy all these while had always been missing something. Put it this way - I had everything, and don't want more, but if I had one more I'd give up everything.

Can we love someone we'd never seen before? In the past, I never thought or considered having a long distance relationship. I didn't think it would work, too many negatives overshadowing the positives. The years I was single, I never thought I would feel so right about a girl again, and now it had happened - at the most unexpected time in the most surprising manner. Sometimes you just have to think the unexpectantcy of love can be beautiful isn't it? But I feel helpless, there are zillions of things I would love to do for her but my current situation forbids it. I would dearly to fly over and give it my last shot in my belief of love but there's a limit to how much I can do, at least until December. There's time, I could wait, she could wait, but can love wait?

Sometimes you have to swim for your life, other times you have to go with the flow, flumbling and floating towards things unknown. Love is like this too, I always believe in letting nature take it's course. Between motionlessness and emptiness you can actually feel a hard and perpetual kernel of existence, like the core of an apple and the real truth. What is the real truth? Nothing in the world is ever totally perfect. The trick is to be happy with your lot and approach life with a spirit of understanding and tolerance, especially relationships between men and women.